days like these

After posting about the process I’ve been kind of numb. There has been some movement on that but it is all so disheartening learning how our system is set up. I thought we were a nation that protected its children but I question that after all of this. When mandatory reporters who fail to report on such a GIGANTIC level are allowed to practice, I question it.

I’m tired of trying to understand the insanity of my dysfunctional family. I’m tired of people who supported me when I came out, being filled full of lies so that I look like the crazy one. There are so many things that have been said by my parents that are so untrue (or exaggerated or completely out of context) and are spoken only to make themselves look okay. That this somehow was just all a big mistake. I try really hard to keep some details out of the public. I try to respect that some of the details are not mine to tell. It sometimes is so tempting to just throw it all out there and call out other victims and others that are protecting him, then I realize it is because I’m weak and I’m tired of standing alone. It will never cease to surprise me that people can make the irrational sound rational when reality is too hard or too scary to accept.  These loved ones of mine hear these falsities and choose to believe them instead of ask me about them. It’s easier for them. I get it… I do, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

So I stand alone, in the context of my family, resetting the cycle for my own children. It’s hard. It’s heartbreaking. I cry. No one should have to live without parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. This is not an easy decision and although I try to be strong in knowing that I am doing the right thing (and I believe that whole-heartedly) it does not erase the fact that I grieve the loss of the family that once existed, if only in my mind.

I’m going through this journey for all the right reasons. Since cutting ties, I’m off of my once much-needed anxiety meds. Mentally I’m a very different person then I was before starting therapy and then ending these relationships. I’m learning not to be afraid to be me- the good, the bad, and the beautiful. My children know not what family dysfunction is. They have been kept safe from the drama and are surrounded by husband’s extended family, my dearest friends, and their pretty darn amazing parents all who adore and love them unconditionally. So while my heart aches for the family I deserve (and never truly had), my heart sings with excitement knowing that my children will not know the pain that I do.  It’s worth it. Even on days like today where there is more ache than singing – it’s worth it.


Comments

days like these — 2 Comments

  1. Jennifer, you are incredibly strong, brave, wise & compassionate! There are so many things in life that we can’t change or understand so we need to cope as best we can so we don’t go crazy! Be kind to yourself & know that you you are loved by so many 🙂

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